Thursday, October 19, 2006

Playing with dolls.

This post on Zoe Llewelyn's Designing Insanity blog for Boneflower, made me cry.

It just hit me all of a sudden.

You see, I'm transgendered, and I have always loved dolls. When I was young, I played with my sisters dolls. I knew I wasn't "supposed" too, but I did. I was always afraid of being caught and bad things happening. When I started wearing my sisters clothes, I felt pretty much the same.

A few years back maybe in 1999 I don't remember, I was given a doll. I had told this person that I had always wanted dolls of my own but never had any and she gifted me with one. I did then buy some dolls, but haven't done so for a couple of years.

It felt pathetic you see, for me a 39 year old "guy" buying dolls. I know there are adult doll collectors, but I just felt ashamed about it. It was bad enough that I'd never been on a date or had sex, but to own dolls. It just, well I just felt all rotten about it. and still do.

Which brings me to SL, which I guess is like dolls. So I'm still playing with dolls. I spend real money on virtual clothes for my doll. I feel ashamed about it, but I love playing my avatar just the same.

I think Zoey's post took me back to that time when I was a scared lonely boy, who wanted to be with the girls, play with the girls, dress like a girl and was very afraid, and played with his sisters dolls.

And now I'm a 39 year old man, who wants to be a woman, but can't, feels very lonely and afraid, and plays with virtual dolls.

I just had to stop writing there for a bit, right now I'm just sad.

Sometimes I get feeling so sad I just want to curl up in a corner and die. Anyway I'm just "stuck" as I call it. I don' t have enough resources and above all I don't want to hurt my family. I've caused them enough pain over "this" as it is.

So I will keep playing my pretty avatar and dream silly dreams and think impossible thoughts.

6 comments:

Alaska Metropolitan said...

What a sad post. :(

I hope you come to terms with this and feel better about it... you shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. You are a fun and generous person who has a lot to offer both the virtual world and the real one.

Francesca Poppy said...

I agree...you obviously have a lot of positive energy (I've witnessed it), and that's a gift to the people around you. The smart ones will recognize that and accept you for who you are.

*CronoCloud's cow trots over and nudges her for a little dance*

Zoe Llewelyn said...

CronoCloud, hon, I know a few words typed here by a stranger can't overcome a lifetime of social pressures and conditioning. I know that in the end, what I saw means little to nothing. And, I do know what it's like to be a social misfit defying social conventions and the loneliness that comes from that. Understand depression and self-hate. So, I do not have any illusion that a few pitiful words from me can change how people have made you feel about yourself. But...I am gonna say em anyway.

You have nothing to be ashamed of hon. Nothing. Each and every human being is a beautiful and special person the likes of which there will never be another. Society does not appreciate originality, dreams, or understand when being true to yourself means being different. But that does not mean that society is right to expect you to fit into some pre-defined mold.

You have a right to be yourself, not matter who or what that is, and no one has the right to make you feel bad about that. No one.

There is nothing wrong with who you are. There is nothing wrong with admitting to being transgendered, or wanting to play with dolls and simply be who you should have been born as. One of my closest friends was a transgendered woman who should have been born a man. I watched her live a short, tortured life because she tried to juggle what society, family, and friends expected of her and yet never fulfilled who she really was.

You have a right to everything you are feeling. You have a right to be who you are and who you should have been. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Do not hate what you are inside. Don't let them do that to you, hon. You are a bright and shining star...unique and special...don't let the ignorance of society put that light out.

I know it's hard. I know it hurts. But there are many, many, many of us out here in the world that not only understand and accept you completely and without thought for who you are truly inside, but will bitch-slap anyone who tries to put you down for it as well.

So...instead of letting those dolls make you sad...let them empower you. Second Life is a wonderful tool for us social misfits. Use it to explore yourself, be who you were born to be.

Get up, girl, and get some dolls, and don't let any of them haters make you feel bad!

Choice said...

Such a striking post. It reminds me that Second Life offers a gift that is rarely discussed in the marketing or in the media. It allows us to be the most intimate expressions of ourselves. Women not just because we are born women, but women because it is who we feel we are. Black, not just because we are born black, but because it is an intimate part of our identity.

In SL we are not confined to the hip widths we inherited or the chest hair we never wanted. We are precisely as we want to be. Beautiful in our own eyes. We are, in fact, living dolls. And that is what I find almost mystical about Zoe's doll avatars, because it is a literal expression of what we all feel deep down.

We have held our dolls in the real world and we have dreamed of becoming them, pondered their physical perfection, their beauty. And for the first time, we don't have to admire Mattel's or Hasbro's creations. We can admire our own.

I'm proud of you every day you live as true self, in either world you choose to do it in.

Willow said...

I can't say much more than these guys already said, so I am just going to give you a <3

So, <3!

Goodwillstacy Stindberg said...

CronoCloud, I just wanted to say that I love you & your blog! I read it all the time and get great ideas & inspiration. Zoe's post was fantastic, and I don't really know what to say other than.. ((((hugs))))
Stacy
(a budding clothes horse in SL - Goodwillstacy Stindberg)